MATHEMESS
by LazerTH
Summary: Madness attacks the head even more excruciatingly stubbornly slowly in this parody of Megaman X6. Don't panic.
1. Nobody tells me anything

MATHEMESS

Madness Attacking The Head Even More Excruciatingly Stubbornly Slowly

By LazerTH

Author's note:

MATHEMESS picks up where MATHEMS left off, if only I could remember where that was. Something about predicting war and sitting on rooftops. X6 was the most complete MMX game I've ever played, what with the insufferable Nightmare engine and getting pissed the hell off at Nightmares ruining rescues and not to mention the death trap that is Metal Shark Player's stage. This is a parody, so don't panic.

888

Three weeks after the events of Megaman X5…

"CRIKEY! NOT AGAIN!"

Space Cadet Pinball was the greatest exercise in futility Megaman X had ever been involved with. He suspected Microsoft™ had shipped the game with their OS so as to lessen the impact of the other horrendous failures the user would experience while pointing and clicking and cursing.

"Press F2 for a new game? I STAB THEE WITH THE MOUSE POINTER!"

The little white arrow repeatedly poked the space cadet who would ineluctably grin forever. Whether it was a fixed idiotic grin of pure nihilism or a sinister reflection of one's childhood hopes and dreams that were crushed by the real world, philosophers and psychiatrists would still make lots of money.

"X, put the game down."

"I can't put the game _down. _It's on the bloody screen. What, do I avert the screen from my eyes?"

Douglas promised that he would never allow X the use of his laptop ever again.

"You're needed in HQ for debriefing."  
"But I don't wear underpants!"

X was encouraged out of engineering with well-aimed wrenches to the head. Hissing and spitting, he skittered for safety behind the command centre's sliding door.

"X, do not revert to being a kitty."  
"But kitty is hungry."

Pondering the stupidity of that statement, Alia showed him the screen.

"A Mechalinoid has gone Maverick due to a radio wave problem!"

"Then switch to short wave. You can pick up military transmissions like that!"

"X! This is serious!" Signas insisted, spinning around in his comfy command chair.

"And so is this. I quit!"

"G'huh?"

"Quit! Quit! No more oogly-booglies! Kitty needs a vacation!"

"But then who will feed kitty?"

X's mournful eyes turned to Alia.

"Kitty can't feed himself…"

"All the more reason for kitty to stay home and work. Okay?"

Growling at the back of his audio amplifier, he went to the transporter room. Signas hummed.

"You really know how to work a man."

"I _do _specialize in communication."

"Want to test that with me?"

Signas was encouraged out of the command centre with a well-aimed command chair to the head.

888

"ALIA! WHAT THE _HELL _DID YOU DO TO MY FALCON ARMOUR!"

"_It's not my fault! Douglas was busy playing Final Fantasy X2© all summer!"_

"_AUGH!_"

X fumed all the way into the mine. He couldn't fly. He could air dash, but everyone and their mother could air dash by now. His "piercing" laser weapon no longer pierced, stopped by the most modest mound of gravel. At least he still had a Giga Attack, but that was only one shot.

"The Falcon Armour is about MOBILITY! WHAT possessed you to take out the flight capability, woman?"

"_Uh… it was corrupt?"_

Steam blew out of his aural units.

"IT'S NOT THE FALCON ARMOUR IF IT CAN'T FLY!"

"_Would you have preferred your regular armour?"_

"YES! You could have cooked up some story that the armour had been destroyed, or Velgauder ate it, or the blasted _virus _had infected it beyond repair! This half-assed mod is insulting!"

"_Very well."_

He glimmered and the crappy Falcon Armour was gone.

"_Falcon Armour deleted. Enjoy your halved defense, moron."_

"God damn it."

He found two damaged reploids panting behind garage doors.

"Commander X! There's a huge mechalinoid…"

"What happened?"

"We were scared and got hurt."

X stared at them.

"I don't know if the new generation is becoming smarter or stupider. Move."

He identified the problem as that eyeball with an energy beam connected to the main armour.

"Good heavens, look at that. Do I attack the gigantic, scary wreckage, or the tiny defenseless orb? I submit that the orb is the cause of the problem! There is no way that something that big can float by itself!"

"_Congratulations, Captain Obvious."_

"Purr."

"_Did you just purr at me?"_

"Yes."

"_Stop it. My titanium crawled."_

After a few resounding blasts, the mechalinoid inexplicably exploded.

"But I didn't attack the big part!"

Nonetheless, it crashed. Then a purple recolour of Zero teleported down, slashed the wreckage and it exploded again into smaller bits. X blinked, cupped his hands and yelled, "Wow, thanks, Zero recolour! I would have never been able to finish off a completely harmless, incapacitated machine! What an astounding show of bravery! You saved my freaking life there!"

Giant red WARNING letters flashed across the screen.

"Oh no! A boss battle directly after my first one! This means…"

"You cannot defeat me!" cried Hi Max, KO'ing the blue Hunter with the tone of his voice alone.

"Damn it!" X sobbed, falling to one knee, "It's just like my first defeat at the hands of Vile! Except with better graphics!"

"Maverick Hunter… unremarkable. We will stop the Nightmare!"

The black behemoth swooped away as unnecessarily as he had come. X shouted, _"What the hell is this 'nightmare'? Nobody tells me anything!"_


	2. Throw caution to the wind

"Oh, X. Yeah, we had some problems with a Nightmare."

"Signas, explain."

"Virus clones of Zero are popping up all over the place."

"Like the mechalinoid?"

"No, that was a radio wave problem."

"Then why the _hell _was it a boss battle? We are trying to advance the plot! I could have fought against one of those nightmares instead, that would have been oodles more interesting, and it could have left out Hi Max altogether! Who writes the intro to these games?"

"This is not a game, X!"

"Then why is Megaman X6© scheduled to be released next Tuesday?"

"Because we'd have solved the crisis by then."

X wondered at the paradox.

"Anywho. My reliable informant told me about it."

"Who's that?" Alia cut in.

"Hanny, the girl from two stories running. She said your boyfriend would appear to mess things up…"

"He is _not _my boyfriend!" she shrilled, face colouring.

"But you let your hair down for him. You _never _let your hair down for us."

Signas was shocked.

"Is this true, Alia? You did that for another… reploid?"

Alia ran out of the command room silently.

"Well, that was awkward," X offered.

"Is it Gate?" Signas muttered.

"Yep."

Signas slammed his fist on the armrest.

"There's no way I can compete with that pretty boy!"

"Of course you can. You outrank him."

"Have you seen those pictures of him saying 'Rawr' while smirking?"

"Point taken. Uh… now what?"

"Isoc."  
"I know you suck. I meant, what's new?"

"Isoc!"

"This self-depreciation will get you nowhere in life, Signas."

"Just look at the TV!"

Some inconsequential, 'old' white reploid was yammering about going after the Nightmare and sending Investigators to… investigate, he imagined.

"I'll bet you two thousand credits that they're Mavericks by now."

"The point is moot. You always fight eight per war. It's the magic number."

"Never won at the lottery though. I'll be in Engineering, repeatedly kicking Douglas in the face for letting that woman lay her hands on the best suit of armour I have ever worn."

888

A half hour of face-kicking later, Douglas went to repair while X went to the Amazon area.

_Beedeep._

X took a ride on the caterpillar bots to the underground caverns.

_Beedeep._

He found his first armour capsule tucked behind a savage praying mantis.

"_Hullo, X."_

"DADDY!"

X pounced the hologram of his father and hit the wall on the other side. Dr. Light covered his eyes with a hand.

"_X, not today…"_

"But it's new armour! Isn't it? Isn't it?"

_Beedeep._

"WHAT is that noise? I've heard it since I arrived here!"

"_Check your beeper."_

He did so.

"Alia!"

"_X!"_ came her irritated voice, _"I've been trying to reach you for five minutes!"_

"Wait, wait, you mean I can _ignore _you?"

"_Ignore me? That's what the beeping was for!"_

"EXCELLENT!"

Free at last, X turned off the sound on his beeper. He turned to his father once again.

"Where were we?"

"_Yes, the Blade Armour…"_

"SWEET! Sounds like total offense!"

"_Er… not really…"_

X sat on his hindpaws, tilting his head to one side.

"Myah?"

"_It was _supposed _to strengthen your decidedly inferior Z-Saber skills."_

"Yeah, yeah, I know all I can do is slash. Only Zero knew how to do that three-hit combo without lopping off an arm or leg."

"_Quite. Uh… the Blade Armour can also Mach Dash up, down, left and right, twice the distance of an air dash."_

"That's pretty much the dash upgrade from the third war, but go on."

"_There's the standard double defense, a plasma Buster, and your Giga Attack is a powerful Z-Saber slash shockwave."_

"That's it?"

"_Eh?"_

"No improvement on the Nova Strike? No invincibility? No infinite ammo?"

"_I thought I'd do something different."_

"No, Dad. Stick with what _works. _Honestly, a more powerful Z-Saber? What have I been using _all my life?_"

"_Your X-Buster?"_

"And what did my little brother use _all his life?"_

"_His Mega Buster?"_

"Do you see where I am going with this?"

Dr. Light sighed.

"_You have a point. I will work on X-Buster modifications in the future. For now, there is the Blade Armour. This is the leg part, but you won't be able to use it until you find all four…"_

"No thanks."

"_What?"_

"I don't want mediocre armour. I might as well stick with what I have."

"_But I worked so hard on it!"_

"You have better things to do?"

"_That's beside the point!"_

"So long, Dad."

"_X! At least _take _the upgrade; you won't have to use it if you don't want to!"_

"Oh, all right."

He downloaded the leg enhancement, striking his kick-ass pose.

"_Thank you. That's the first time you ever refused me."_

X shrugged.

"What can I say? I must be going through my teen years."

"_Well, you _have _been activated for more than twelve years by now…"_

"Yeah! I want a car!"

"_You're not old enough to drive."_

"I guess the Land Chaser doesn't qualify as a vehicle, only a thin metal shell hurtling at high velocities to crash to its doom at the end of every stage."

"_I'll get you a Hummer. You might live longer."_

"No thanks. I prefer certain death."

888

Somewhere along a dank cave, X spied an opening above him.

"A-_HA! _A hidden passage that is just out of jump range!"

Looking at the spiked floor over yonder, he discovered more caterpillar bots that had given him a ride earlier.

"Idea!"

Going on his belly, he reached down to pluck one of the green things from its steady plodding over the spikes.

_Author's aside:_

_For those of you who wonder how X is able to accomplish this without taking damage, just remember that in Megaman 5, Megaman held up THE ENTIRE COLLAPSING CEILING of Wily's fortress. Collapsing ceilings usually crush said robot to death (remember Dust Man's stage?). To say that Megaman X, a MORE powerful robot, is not able to pick up and carry small enemies, is utter folly. He should be able to step on Met-alls and throw them like Frisbees, but Capcom seems intent on making X a total wuss right after mentioning, (in Dr. Light's notes during the intro of Megaman X1) quote, "no force on earth could stop him", end quote. If you still disagree with me, nuts to you, it's my madness, not yours._

_Resume story:_

He rolled over and set it to walk under the overhead passage. With a skip, hop and jump, he used the caterpillar as a platform to get high enough to kick off the walls, scaling the shaft to the top where a bunch of helpless reploids laid waiting. Saving them from Nightmare tentacle rape, he walked along the secret corridor until he found a huge, blue hexagonal portal.

"Ooooh! Shiny! It looks like the crystal Superman made the Fortress of Solitude with!"

Throwing caution to the wind, he plunged into the portal and disappeared.

888

After a thoroughly uneventful hidden area, the ubiquitous garage doors appeared.

"Great. I bet it's Hi Max, and he'll paste me on the walls. Again."

But no, it wasn't.

"Zero recolour!"

"Muhahahaha!"

"Was that evil laugh necessary?"

"No, but this is."

_HUGE _shockwaves flew from the swipes of his blazing white beam saber.

"YIKES!"

Thank God he could wall jump, because nothing else saved him from the flurry of arm cannon shots and sword beams. He replied with his own cannon, paltry in comparison to even this recolour.

"Damn it! Why are recolours so powerful? I want someone to paint ME red and make me ten times bigger!"

Nonetheless, this was a beatable boss with no prerequisites necessary for victory. The recolour went "D'Uaaaah!" (again, unnecessarily), and exploded. Then, with no fanfare, no explanation and no apparent connection to the previous battle, Zero was visible through the smoke, undamaged, his normal red and blonde, arms crossed, leaning against some rubble, smirking at his blue friend as though it were the most natural thing in the world to no longer be deceased after having half his body blown away in the last war.

"Zero!" X yelped with joy, scuttling to him, "You're alive! Hannah told me you were too sexy to stay dead!"

"Why yes! I _am _very sexy!"

"Yay!"

He crashed headlong into the rubble where Zero had been standing. Miffed, the Red Ripper dusted himself off.

"I have no intention of holding a man in my arms."

"But you're back! Alive!"

"You expected less? I _told _Sigma that he would never win."

"Yeah, I noticed that both of you seem to have fresh bodies lying around somewhere. Wish _I _were that lucky."

"Oh, no, you're the hero; you're not supposed to die."

"Huh! That better not be sarcasm."

Zero spread his hands.

"As if you could tell the difference. Now let's go!"

"Yes! Let's fight together, let's never be separated…"

"X?"

"Yes, Zero?"

"Shut up."

After the screen fadeout, they found themselves in the Amazon again.

"Why does that always happen?"

"Weird, huh? Maybe we teleported."

"Maybe it was an illusion."

"Maybe we're abusing our fourth wall privileges."

"Yeah, we sort of have a mission."

_Beedeep._

"Oh, what now?" X groused.

"Your cellphone is ringing."

"That's Alia."

"Alia is your cellphone now?"

"Yes, and she never gets free weekend minutes."

"You should change providers."

"Believe me, I'm trying."

Ignoring the beedeeping, their combined force ploughed through the rest of the stage. Commander Yammark clung to the ceiling when X _and _Zero walked into his lair.

"Get down from there!" Zero commanded.

"I'm not an Investigator! I'm a fly! Bzzz! Bzzzz!"

Looking at each other, they both charged their arm cannons to swat him.


	3. Super official job

"Coming from a waste of time, Yammark's weapon sure is handy," Zero commented. They were in the training grounds, each flooring level 11 test droids while the rookies, human and reploid, gaped. Considering that he had already died before, Zero's latest resurrection was unsurprising to all.

"Yeah. Nearly impenetrable shield that fires projectiles _and _has low energy cost!" X demonstrated.

"Wow. Guess this means the most powerful boss has a crappy weapon."

"We'll see."

"Cool!" came a fanboyish yell, "We need teams of four to take down _one _of those things!"

"You knocked out eight in a row by yourselves!" another piped.

"Well, we _are _better than you," Zero glowered, "You are all little better than cannon fodder during Maverick attacks."

"Zero! Be nice to the noobs!"

"But they're so easy to take advantage of! And they NEVER helped us during the wars! We've had to rescue them for the past two, in fact!"

"I know, I know, but it's not nice."

"Phfft. As if I'm nice!"

After Zero left, a subdued fanboy stammered to his commander, "But didn't we make weapons and upgrades for you?"

"Noobish little boy," X condescended, "You just stole weapon plans from the enemy. It was Douglas who decrypted the files, and created said upgrades."

"Didn't you kick his face in not two hours ago?"

X set his jaw.

"And how'd you like a face-kicking yourself? Git! All of you, git!"

The noobs scurried in fear. On his way to HQ, Alia walked by, her hair let down. X whistled.

"Since when were you effeminate?"

"Around Gate."

"He's not here. Or I didn't get the memo?"

"I'm trying to insult you, lunkhead! I'm trying to say only Gate brings out my feminine charms!"

"Dear God. If your business calls are any indication of your personal life, I'd rather dip myself in molten carbonite."

Alia scrunched up her face, balled her fists and squealed like a boiling kettle.

"Oooh! MEN!"

"We're the reason you exist, baby!"

"ARGH!"

She pummeled X into the floor until she felt better, giving him a swift kick in his non-existent balls before leaving. A noob poked his head from around the corner, snickered at X's crumpled form, and got half his head shot off.

"OW!"

"In my day that was just a flesh wound! You next-generation reploids are little better than foreign used cars!"

The half-head noob sniveled and bawled, "Mommy, mommy, X was mean and shot me in the face!"

Unbelievably, Alia was still hanging around. She seemed to savour little victories as much as the next woman.

"You poor thing! Go get a bandage while mommy takes care of mean old X."

Alia returned and gave X a swift kick to the face. Unlike his absent gonads, he felt that one.

888

"Good CRAP. He defeated Yammark!" Isoc yelped. Gate backhanded the old man.

"Yammark was a test."

"The same way a blood test resembles the SAT's, I imagine. _I _could have taken that dragonfly out of commission!"

"Yammark was more powerful than any of the next-generation reploids currently being produced."

"Then our offspring _suck! _What, are we inbreeding? Should I move operations to Alabama with a banjo on my knee?"

His reward was another backhand.

"Silence. I was about to address this horrid inbreeding problem. Production has waned ever since the first generation that X built with Dr. Cain. We are using cheaper materials, rehashed coding and old binary data to build reploids. I have the solution to all this."

He held up a slim, black and green rectangle.

"The Atari cartridge for _Tron_?"

"No, you imbecile, Zero's DNA!"

Isoc's jaw dropped, he backed away and sputtered, "EWWW! You have Zero's _stuff _all over your hand!"

Gate turned several shades of pissed, and backhanded Isoc out of existence.

"Good grief, why did I create him?"

"Public relations?" rumbled Hi Max, nibbling on beef jerky.

"I guess so! He has done nothing useful other than announce the Nightmare Investigation!"

"Well, there goes a few million credits out of your personal fortune."

"Remind me, next time I have the irresistible urge to spread public panic, to design a superweapon instead."

"Like me?"

"Oh, yes! You. Go kill X and Zero."

"Whatever you say, boss."

As the axe-head walked off, Gate pawed at the shard of Zero's DNA.

"My precious…

888

"X and Zero are jerks."

"What makes you say that?"

Alia was at the comm. console while Signas, as ever, lounged uselessly in his command chair. He had begun to think of late that all he was good for was yelling the obvious whenever it occurred.

"After making the newbies… I mean, cadets, cry, I had to bandage some _and _sing all of them to sleep."

"Don't you think you are being overtly nurturing these days?"

"Yeah, I guess so. It must be Gate's return… we used to be such a good team…"

"What about us? Aren't we a good team?"

"Signas, all I do is tell X and Zero what their next mission is. All _you _do is repeat what I said in a louder, more imperious tone."

He looked hurt.

"But it's for _emphasis!"_

"Gate increased reploid processing speed by two hundred percent."

Signas grumped. Alia offered a small smile.

"Don't feel bad. Not all men are… cut out… for the rigors of command."

"That's right! I'm a very important… hey! You don't mean that! You're just being nurturing again!"

"Awww. But I do mean it."

"Make that sound again."

"Awww?"

"Ahhh…"

At that moment, Signas knew that he liked cute sounds. It made him forget how superficial his job was, as X and Zero did all the work.

888

Speaking of work, X was tackling the Museum.

"Zero and his stupid constitutionals… Who cares if his hair is less stunning than before his 'death'? Fricken' Clairol Man, that's what he is…"

X hated teleportation devices, and this stage was _plagued _with them. Disorientation was in full effect by the time he stepped through the fourth – or was it the fifth? – Totem pole/teleporter.

"WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW?"

"_Calm down, X."_

"Daddy? Where are you, Daddy?"

"_Right above you. Just avoid those nasty Nightmares…"_

"AHHH! TENTACLE RAPE!"

"_Dear Lord. I didn't design you for… never mind."_

**Blam! Blam! Blam!**

"Take that, rapists!"

"_X, they're not… look, here's another piece of the Blade Armour."_

"But it suuuuuuucks!"

"_Be quiet and take your medicine!"_

X pouted.

"Yes, _Dad. _Yeesh."

Braving wind and weather (why the hell was it raining _inside_ a museum?) X found the dung beetle.

"Phew! What a stench! Aren't you supposed to be a scarab?"

"Yaishuh."

"Buh?"

"Yaishuh, yaishuh."

"Not very talkative, are we."

The dung beetle was rolling his ball of what's-it while repeating "Yaishuh" over and over. After a good few zaps from the Yammark Option, the ball of what's-it became bigger and bigger along with its smell, and the beetle grunted with the effort of kicking that thing around. X's nose seemed to have contracted into his face, and he was grateful that he did not _have_ to breathe. The breathing motions he went through were to make him appear more human. Oxygen was only used in extreme combat situations, to heighten energy output by mixing it with his fusion core. Even then, it was only a superficial benefit; he could fight in outer space. But now he faced a staggering stink. It was hardly _extreme._

"YAAH!"

That parting shot finished the job and blew the ball of what's-it to smithereens. It splattered all over his shiny blue armour. He lifted his arms away from his body as he spluttered in revulsion, "BLLLEEECCCCCHHH!" and resolved to never, ever set foot in a museum again.


	4. Easier than the stage

In Pennsylvania, USA, in what seems to be completely out of context, Hannah Sears was feeding cows. It was a summer job, the hours were early and the smell was high. Unbeknownst to the girl that accompanied X and Zero in their last two parodies, ninjas were creeping around the barn. When she walked outside, they jumped out of haystacks, from behind the tractor, down from trees, and some just got up from the grass beside her. She gasped as two pairs of hands held her arms.

"Ninjas!"

"Not just any ninjas! _Green _ninjas!" one of them said, and indeed, they were.

"But why green?"

"Camouflage!" another volunteered, "We're in a country setting so it's the best colour for an ambush!"

"Why do you need to camouflage and ambush me? You could have just dressed like normal folks and grabbed me anyhow! It's not like I'm _expecting _green ninjas to pop out of nowhere!"

"We sneak, therefore we are."

"…"

"Let's go, Bill."

"Right, Ben!"

Still confused as to why green ninjas were kidnapping her (and so many too. Really, one would have done the job just as well), Hannah was whisked off to parts unknown.

And in the barn, cows mooed.

888

Alia called Zero to her comm. console while it beeped, showing a world map and a blip.

"What is it?"

"That bug you planted in Hannah Sear's beam saber is indicating that she's in Japan."

"She must've come for vacation."

"Her name is not listed for departure or arrival in any airline database. She was in America one day, Japan the next."

"What about teleportation?"

"The Japanese government is keeping that for themselves. They'll sell it to the USA for trillions once all their oil and gas reserves run out."

"O-kay then. I'll check it out. Feed her coordinates to my GPS."

"You have a GPS?"

"Alia, I'm a robot, and I get lost easily in a 3D environment. Why do you think the first six wars were side-scrolling?"

888

Hannah's beam saber was tucked safely in her denim jacket. She never went anywhere without it, and her cell phone, which was way, WAY outside her local network. Her ninja entourage was leaping (with her in hand) across the tops of buildings.

"Where are you taking me!"

"To Capcom."

"H'buh?"

"Except for Bill and Ben, they hired us from the cast of Ninja Gaiden. Even without us, the game's still too hard."

"Yeah, those boss fights are ridiculous. They can knock you down in ten seconds flat while you spend an half an hour killing them."

"Is there a point to this conversation?"

"Not really. We like small talk, but we hardly said anything in the game."

"Aren't you going to ask which game me and Ben auditioned for?"

"I don't care."

"Secret of Mana 2. It never left Japan."

"I don't care."

"Seiken Densetsu 3? Doesn't ring a bell?"

"No."

"You suck."

"Pirates are better than ninjas."

"No they're not!"

"Are too."

"Are NOT!"

They carried on like this until they entered the base. Two guys in dark suits and Ray Bans touched hands to their ear pieces, nodded and allowed them in. The ninjas, for no discernible reason, were not content to simply walk, and instead ran the whole length of the corridor, some of them skittering along the walls and ceiling.

"You guys go get changed. We're in an urban environment now!"

They scattered to the changing room, often jumping and climbing over each other to get to the closets first.

"Dibs on night black!"

"No way! I hate brick brown!"

"At least it's not asphalt grey."

"You guys suck!"

"You suck!"

"No, YOU suck!"

Meanwhile, Bill and Ben hoisted Hannah into the command centre, obviated by its giant LCD screen and blinking lights everywhere. Oh, and the table at which were seated numerous dark suits. Can't forget that.

"What's the meaning of this! I have rights!"

"Not in Japan, Miss Sears. Americans abrogate all civil liberties once they cross United States borders."

"And who invented that law?"

"All the countries that just don't like America," another voice cut in. Hannah gasped.

"Dr. Wily!"

"In the ghost. Or hologram. Whatever."

The shimmering, mustachioed, purple image took its seat at the head.

"Thank you, Bill and Ben."

They bowed, and melted into the walls. Hannah blinked.

"How did they _do _that?"

"A more important question is… how do you predict the path of wars, Miss Sears?"

All the suits and Wily were staring at her.

"I don't work well under pressure."

They averted their eyes. After a few moments, she responded, "Doesn't Capcom release the video game during the corresponding war… and then tell everybody about the next one?"

"Why yes. We have been pulling Sigma's strings. Until he blew up in the last one."

"Doesn't his spirit survive, like from what he said in the ending credits of X1?"

They gasped.

"She knows about the secret message!"

"Half the world knows about that secret message."

"You must have told them!"

"No I didn't! I read about it on Gamefaqs!"

"Lies! She is hiding something."

"Quite literally, gentlemen," Wily smiled, "Would you mind showing us your toy, dear?"

She was in no position to hide anything. Besides, they might frisk her, and she didn't want strange men rifling through her clothes.

"Ah. One of my son's beam sabers."

She clutched the memento.

"Zero is his own man!"

"Hah. Who built him from raw Bassnium? Who created the Maverick Virus from the Evil Energy which Duo tried so desperately to destroy? Me. My son possesses extra-terrestrial elements, but he is mine."

"Whoa. So that's what you used the Evil Energy for!"

Wily grinned.

"How else would you explain the exponential power output when he was fully infected just recently? It's far more than programming code, my dear, which can only alter how a robot acts and thinks… not give him godlike power."

Palms on the table, he leered at her.

"Hannah, he is coming to us right now. And he will be mine once more."

"X will never…"

"WRONG! X is busy chasing Investigators. He still thinks Zero is washing his hair… it's all according to plan."

Hannah raised an eyebrow.

"You gave him such pretty hair so that X would think he's busy washing it?"

"I plan ahead, unlike _him. _The most original idea to slither from Megaman's fragmented hard drive was to build a society where reploids and humans live in peace."

"Elysium."

"It's a fool's paradise. How can creators live in equity with their creations?"

"By rooting out the bad ones," she glowered at him. Wily wagged a finger.

"That's where you're wrong. Megaman X has _no jurisdiction over humanity. _And the Maverick Wars _will never end. _He'll spend eternity killing his brethren, while humanity delves ever deeper into greed, hatred, and apathy."

Hannah narrowed her eyes.

"For one to spread such things, one must first be guilty of them."

"Oh, I am greedy, and I do hate Megaman… but I am _extremely_ ambitious."

888

Armed with Ground Dash and Yammark Option, it was time to take on Blaze Phoenix. How did X know the correct boss order? He heard it from Hannah, who had explained it to him while they dangled their feet from outside her bedroom window. This was why the girl was so important to him and Zero… not _just_ her good looks. She had played this game when Capcom captured her, forcing the hapless maiden to beta test their latest war.

But she neglected to tell him about the five giant 'mini' bosses that ruled the stage.

"What the hell? A Maverick spare tire on the rampage!"

Oh, sure, the first one was a breeze. The second was okay. The third was troublesome. The fourth was hard. The fifth was murder.

By the time X crawled into Blaze Phoenix's lair, his fusion core was near critical. If he had a warning light, it would be flashing red and telling him to phone home.

"Why, oh WHY did you have SO MANY FREAKING MINIBOSSES?" X cried. Phoenix blinked.

"Uh… the intention is to kill you _before_ you reach me."

Fury replaced the haunted look in X's eyes.

"You know what that means!" he screamed, slapping his palm on the X-Buster while switching to the Ground Dash, "YOU'RE EASIER THAN THE STAGE!"


	5. Googling someone

"Sir! Zero is attacking the base!"

"Secure the entrances. We don't want to give him everything at once."

The dark suits relayed Wily's orders with machine efficiency. Hannah wondered if they were reploids.

"Bill, Ben? Secure the hostage."

Hannah decided that she was fed up playing the helpless femme. She ignited her beam saber and swung wildly. Bill and Ben drew their swords to parry, but folded steel melts at around 1,700 degrees Celsius, while a saber's beam is half the temperature of the sun. Do the math.

"Well, crap. Should have taken that away from her," Wily shrugged, leaning back and putting up his holographic feet while the dark suits watched Hannah vaporize some more ninja blades. The green ninjas were clearly uncertain how to deal with something other than tangible weaponry. They threw nets, tried to tie her with ropes, but she cut through them all. By that time Zero had arrived, his own beam saber slicing through heavy reinforced doors as if they were rice paper.

"Zero!"  
"Hannah! You're kicking some ninja ass!" he praised with a thumbs-up. She squee'd. If you don't know what a squee is, it's a cross between a squeak and a high-pitched "Eee!" It can either be very annoying or incredibly attractive, depending on your type. Zero had no type, in fact, he didn't even have a blood type, so it was all the same to him. At the sight of him the green ninjas fled.

"He's almost as bad as Chuck Norris!"

"Never mock the Norris!"

With that out of the way, all that remained were the dark suits and their ghostly boss.

"Hey, _Dad,_" Zero dripped with sarcasm, "Didn't expect you to be here as well as in my dreams."

Wily leered at him.

"So, you know me, my son."

"He's not your son, you freak!" Hannah piped up and was ignored.

"Yeah. I found this label on the neck of my armour that read "XL, dry-clean only" and "Made in Wily Labs."

"About time you found it. How's life with the Maverick Hunters?"

"Cut the BS, Wily, I want this goddamn voice out of my head!"

"Huh?" Hannah blurted. Wily chuckled.

"When I built Zero I included a warning indicator. Now understand, his core programming made him narcissistic and proud, but I set his threat gauge well below average."

"Every single time," Zero snarled, "That I see a reploid who I _know _is inferior, that blasted thing goes off, shouting "Danger!" in every language from binary to Eskimo."

"And it grinded on your ego, Zero, for your most basic programming to be fearful while your spirit was not. The voice in your head was a coward, but your true self was not. That's why you killed every single robot in my lab… that's why you went after the old model Megaman and everything sentient that Light built!"

"I couldn't stand it. The Maverick Virus made me so powerful, but this damn voice in my head, Hannah, Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!" he was laughing hysterically, then screeched, "EVERYTHING I SAW MADDENED ME!"

"We're making excellent progress this session, Zero, that'll be three hundred dollars per hour," Wily snickered. Zero gave him the finger.

"There's one robot that never set off the indicator… X. He's the only friend I have in the world… and this bastard wants me to destroy him! He wants me to kill the only one that I can look at and be sane!"

"So that's why you're a loner," Hannah breathed, "He programmed you to be a sociopath!"

"Get that damn voice out of my head, Wily!"

"I can't, Zero. It's a part of who you are. It drove you to become more powerful than anything. And I know you've tried to get rid of it…"

"Yeah. It was like performing brain surgery with a hacksaw and a spoon."

"But you can't get rid of it, ever. You will hate every robot you see, Zero, because there will always be some part of you that says you're not good enough… and now, I'm going to relieve you of it."

"Buh?" Hannah spluttered, "After all this talk of never removing it?"

But Zero was grim.

"He's talking about the Zero Virus, Hannah. When I lost control last time… it's not because the Virus can control my mind, Hannah. The Virus… turns off that warning indicator."

"Like an addiction!" she gasped.

"And when that indicator goes off, my little human female," Wily jeered, "There is nothing restraining the powerful pride I programmed!"

"I become myself," Zero said dryly, "I stop fighting against the coward in my mind, and embrace power instead."

"Two edges of the same sword," Hannah wondered, "He's mad with it and without it!"

Wily steepled his fingers.

"Admit it, Zero! I am a genius."

"You're a sadist. And you're too cowardly to visit your madness upon humanity. You have to manipulate robots, your _own_ creations, to feel like you're worth something!"

"Oh, but of course. Humans are mass produced. Your race is unique. Thus is my genius unique, reserved especially for you and your kindred."

The dark suits stood. They took off their Ray Bans.

Every one of them had Zero's bright green eyes, unnatural, shining.

The Maverick Hunter took a step back. His warning indicator was going off.

"Them!"

"As usual, son, the threat is right under your nose, and you're too wrapped up in your personal vendetta to see it."

Red glowing ghosts stepped out of the dark suits, who slumped in their chairs. They were silhouettes of Zero, down to his wild ponytail. Faced with so many ghosts, one his creator, the rest his demons, Zero grabbed Hannah and dashed, heat blazing from the exhausts under his boots.

"I'm not going back. I'm not going back. I'm stronger than that."

"Zero!" Hannah cried, "They're catching up!"

His demons were gliding above the ground, casting a hellish glow along the corridor leading outside. Though he was at maximum speed, with Hannah sailing behind him like a flag in the breeze, it wasn't fast enough.

"Alia! Teleport!"

For the first time, her voice was welcome.

"_Locking onto signal!"_

888

"What do you mean you couldn't lock onto him?"

"We lost his signal in a huge energy surge! If you were a reploid, we would have lost you both to the Zero Virus you said was following you!"

"The Virus got him? No! Send me back, I can find him!"

"That's my job," said X, limping into the command centre. Alia and Hannah gaped. Medically speaking, he was burnt over 90 of his body. Signas swiveled in his chair, booming, "You look like hell!"

"You should see the other guy."

"Go to Lifesaver."

"Not the giant Panadol again…"

"He's better than a recovery pod, so quit whining."

"Bah. Kitten hates the vet."

"You're not a kitten," all three said at once. X hissed at them and went away. Signas turned to the human.

"We'll teleport you back home."

"That's okay. Can I use your phone?"

Alia handed Hannah her headset and dialed home.

"Dad? Yeah, I got kidnapped by green ninjas, who took me to Capcom's base where Doctor Wily infected Zero with the Virus all over again, and now I'm here in Maverick Hunter HQ. No, I can't be home by dinner. I know cows can't milk themselves; is it really that difficult to find someone else who can? I should be back by next week or so. Cancel physical therapy. Okay, love you, bye."

Alia raised an eyebrow.

"Your father is accustomed to this?"

"Our house was partially destroyed by Magma Dragoon."

"Oh, yes. Capcom reimbursed you, didn't they?"

Hannah snorted.

"Doctor Wily isn't terribly interested in one house in Pennsylvania. He's got the world in his sights, and he'll be using Zero now."

"You wanted to see me?"

Hannah squee'd and hugged him.

"You survived!"

Zero patted her blonde head. Alia and Signas did a double-take. Zero waved them off.

"The energy surge you picked up was my virus buffer kicking into action. Lifesaver installed the thing after the last war, ya know, I haven't been a _total _bum."

"That's good," Alia said, then lifted her headset from Hannah. It was beeping.

"Incoming message?"

Gate's smug grin appeared huge on the widescreen monitor. Signas gasped.

"It's you!"

"How are you gentlemen!"

"Oh, God, not _that _again," Zero groaned, and shook his fist at the rogue scientist, "What do you want?"

"I've hijacked the ice cream truck that passes by Maverick Hunter HQ at 3 o'clock every afternoon."  
Zero went livid, shaking his fist even more.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY ICE CREAM BAR!"

"I will have your ice cream bar, and eat it, too, unless you bring your delicious DNA… I mean, unless you attack my headquarters in an effort to stymie my plans."

"Damn you, Gate, and the video signal you rode in on!"

"Ta ta…"

Before he switched off, Gate looked at Alia and purred.

"You're wearing your hair down, darling. Is it our special night?"

While she blushed, Signas and Zero both felt their bowels lurch in disgust, although neither possessed said bowels. Hannah was in a giggle fit.

"Oh gods, reploid romance is so corny."

"Hey! We try," Gate pouted, "We don't have the equipment, so we rely on clichés and sob stories!"

"Grow a bit router, you hack," Hannah stuck her tongue out, and Gate vanished with a very put-out look on his face. Zero and Signas were about dying with laughter. It hadn't occurred to them that computer innuendo could be so effective on reploids. Alia sunk into her chair, smiling.

"He looked at me," she sighed, "I'll never tie up my hair again."

Restored to health, X returned to the command centre.

"I heard the news. So, uh, do we know where his base is?" he asked. The hopeful look on his face was squashed by Alia's frown.

"We need data from all eight Investigators to locate his whereabouts."

X flung his hands into the air.

"Whatever happened to Googling someone?"


	6. Don't get your hopes up

X grumbled discontent as he slipped and slid through the ice area.

"Why can't a Maverick set up base in a nice, tropical island? What's the obsession with VOLCANOES AND ICE? Only Sith deal in absolutes!"

Even worse, there were balls of flaming magma falling from the sky, thanks to triggering the Nightmare effect from Phoenix's stage.

"AHH! This make us no sense! Why isn't the ice melting from this? It's madness, madness I tell you!"

He thought about jumping over a chasm until giant blocks of ice came cascading down, falling into the bottomless pit. X looked up and shook his fist.

"Who DOES these things! Did they hire someone to stand off-screen and throw chunks of ice at regular intervals? Why can't they just set land mines, or put up wired fencing like normal people?"

There was an overhanging icy rock at the top of the uphill climb, too high for him to jump, and the slick ice discouraged wall-kicking.

"So this is why Dad made the Blade Armour."

Looking around, he noticed some Maverick wolves breathing their minty fresh breath just downhill. With a skip, hop and jump, he landed on one's back.  
"WHOO! RIDE 'EM, COWBOY!"

Startled, the poor wolf scampered uphill, claws digging ice. As it neared the overhang, X dug his heels into its sides. Yelping, the wolf leaped into the air from the pain, and that is when X kicked off its hide and onto the overhang.

"Ahh. Nothing like animal abuse to get you up in the world."

"_That wasn't very nice, X."_

"Daddy!"

X tackled the hologram, went straight through and got his head stuck in the wall.

"_I sometimes wonder if you're doing that on purpose."_

"Mmmfff!" _pop _"But I missed you!"

"_I designed a new armour since you don't like the Blade Armour."_

"Ooh! Ooh! What is it?"

"_Equipped with the skills of a ninja, I named it the Shadow Armour."_

X had a joygasm.

"That's the first armour you've given me that actually sounds cool!"  
_"What, the Ultimate Armour wasn't cool?"_

"Everyone has an Ultimate weapon, but not everyone can turn into a _ninja!"_

"_Point taken. With this armour, your mobility will increase a hundredfold. You'll be able to walk, even climb spikes without taking damage. You will jump three times your normal height and be able to stick to ceilings and walls without sliding down. Your X-Buster will be replaced by the tri-shuriken cannon, and upon charging the cannon or using your new Giga Attack, your Beam Saber will perform the almighty Crescent Blade Slash."_

X was drooling all over the floor.

"You had me at walking on spikes. Where are the other parts!"

"_You know I can't tell you."_

"For security purposes. Blah. Well, this is a start!"

The rest of the stage was a blur. X was imagining what he'd look like decked out as a ninja, flipping out and killing stuff.

"You! Maverick Hunter!"

"Huh?"

Blizzard Wolfang was glaring at him.

"You wrecked my ice labyrinth!"

"Oh. Ice. You must be weak to fire."

He wasn't much of a challenge. Due to slippery walls, kicking off them was not expected, so all X had to do was hop over him as he charged, and burn away all his attacks with the Flame Saber he'd stolen from Phoenix. Technically, it was his first Beam Saber Technique, like Zero, but it was more of a projectile attack, in his own style of hitting things a mile away. Wolfang went down, and X continued to have wet daydreams of the Shadow Armour.

888

X stamped through the command centre.

"Zero!"  
"What!"

"Is your hair done yet?"

"My… oh! Yeah, it's been done for awhile now."

"IT'S ABOUT TIME! I've been busting my butt through three Investigator stages without you!"

Hannah blinked.

"Uh… you didn't go through Blaze Phoenix's stage without the Falcon Armour, did you?"

"I told Alia to delete that thing!"

"The Giga Attack would have defeated those huge red donut things in, like, one hit each."

X went purple in the face and passed out. Zero poked him with a stick.

"I think you killed him with sheer logic."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to hunt some Mavericks? Rainy Turtloid's next."

Zero smiled at Hannah who went pink.

"Signas, I want a room for this girl, and her own private lounge. As long as she's here we won't have to second guess our strategy!"

"Uh, that was a one-time thing, because, y'know, Capcom kidnapped me and stuff," Hannah said, scuffing her toes, "But I'd like to stay here! I'd never have to drive anywhere again."

"I don't think so," Alia interjected, "She has a family in America. But we can outfit her with a teleportation device."

"Is that even legal?" Signas inquired.

"Nobody has to know. It's not like they have the technology to monitor it."

"Okay then. She'll stay here until the war's finished, and then we send her home with her new toy."

She thought she'd lost the spirit of the season, but at that moment, it was Christmas all over again for Hannah.

888

"Oh _great. _The one stage I do by myself and there's _acid rain! _Ahh! It burnsss ussss! But somehow my beautiful silken hair withstands it!"

"_Get a grip, Zero. There are regenerative pods scattered all over the place because Turtloid's the only reploid who's immune to the rain in this area."_

"I thought they were trying to find a way to stop the rain?"

"_That was his job, until the Nightmare screwed things up. Now hop to it, before your life drains away."_

"Oi!"

Far into the stage, in a terraced area boasting many spikes and bats, Zero noticed a small tunnel lined with spikes top and bottom.

"_You can't fit through there. X is smaller than you, so he can do the job."_

"I see an armour capsule through there. I agree; let _him_ deal with instant death. After all, it's not _my _armour."

But Zero was able to dive through a smaller spike tunnel (with the help of his dash boost, of course) and into one of those blue portals. Finding a purple garage door, he gratefully stepped inside and allowed his auto repair function to restore the acid rain damage to his systems. All reploids are outfitted with an auto repair function so that, if damaged, they wouldn't leak to death or explode unless their fusion core took a beating. However, like the human body, major damage requires outside help to repair. For reploids, that was the purpose of restorative pods and life-energy capsules; they gave additional energy to the auto repair function, allowing faster and broader healing. Many speculate that Zero's 'death' after the fifth war was, in fact, a state of suspended animation, during which time his body somehow used materials from his surroundings to grow a new torso and legs. Of course, nobody knows, except Dr. Light and his counterpart, and they're not talking.

Refreshed, Zero walked straight into Hi Max.

"Hello, little Hunter."

Zero looked up, and up some more until he could see the huge Maverick's eyes.

"You do know I've taken down robots ten times your size?"

"So?"

"I'm going to demonstrate why size doesn't matter. Prepare yourself!"

His Z-Saber did no damage to the armour, but a single special attack – namely, the Flame Saber – stunned the larger reploid.

"Okay. One hit stuns him…"

A second hit did nothing. Hi Max booted Zero in the face and took off.

"God, how I _hate_ selective armour!"

After running from some energy spheres he tried a more piercing attack, the _Sentsuizan _or the Z-Saber version of the Ground Dash. It cut right through the armour, causing Hi Max to flinch.

"Pah. It's only a scratch."

"A scratch is all I need!"

Zero scratched him about thirty more times until Hi Max was too badly damaged to fly.

"Bye Max."

"Master Gate was right… we do need your DNA…"

"What?"

But Hi Max was gone.

"Odd. What's this business with my DNA?"

Turtloid didn't know, either, once Zero finished the rest of the stage.

"Maybe they want to clone you?"

"Tried in the second war; didn't work."

"Oh well. Guess I have to kill you now?"

"You can try."

"Resistance is useless!"  
"You look the part, but you're not a Vogon."

Ceiling was too high for his ice move (which required him to stick up there), so Zero resorted to conventional attacks and his usual set of acrobatics to get by.

"Huh? Where'd he go?"

"Up here, ugly."

Standing on Turtloid's shell, he stuck his saber between the neck and shell, braced one foot against the Maverick's thick neck, and wrenched his saber backward, dislodging shell from turtle. Defenseless, a saber strike to the back finished the Investigator off.

"Such strength!" Rainy said in amazement, "How did you get so strong?"

Standing on the displaced shell, Zero sheathed his blade.

"You next generation reploids think you're the most powerful ever. You're all _copies _of X's design! Nothing can improve on Dr. Light's schematics. Come on, not even _Sigma _could improve on my design! It would require a _human_ imagination to create anything more powerful than us, and the only two humans with that capability died decades ago."

"Then… all that remains is Gate's plan… for you."

While Rainy exploded, Zero grumbled, "Why don't people idolize X for a change? I don't see Sigma or his cronies plotting things about _his _body! What makes me so special? I know I'm dead sexy, but, sheesh, it kinda creeps me out…"

And somewhere, Dr. Wily was chuckling. It would not be until Zero had been absent _for a hundred years _that people would decide, "Oh well, let's try the next best thing!" and copy X. But that is another story, and possibly another parody (don't get your hopes up).


	7. My Nightmare Soul

Back at Hunter HQ, X had recovered from his stupidity-induced coma, and naturally blamed it all on Alia.

"I want my Falcon Armour back!"

"You told me to delete it, you idiot!"

"You're a REPLOID! Your BRAIN is a COMPUTER! Didn't yo momma teach you how to **BACKUP!**"

"At least I _had _a momma. All you have is your old man!"

"Oh yeah? Well yo mamma…. uh… she… _don't talk about Daddy that way!_"

They began to arm wrestle. Signas separated them.

"Chill! Once X finds his Shinobi Armour or whatever, it'll be fine!"

"Ooh, I like that name," said the azure wonder, "The first thing I'll do with it is destroy Alia's keyboard so she can't delete it by accident."

"YOU-ASKED-ME-TO!"

Ignoring her, X turned to Hannah, who was (ab)using their Internet connection to add to her playlist.

"Will I look cool?"

"Almost as cool as Zero!"

"Why almost?"

"Because you'll still be a wuss!"

"Bah. And I was going to get you a wolf, too!"

"Wolfy? Where!"

Leaving her hanging, X went to the transporter room. They could teleport wherever they wanted from whatever location, but a transporter room was more secure, especially in these Nightmarish times of viruses and hackers.

"Zero came back?" he asked the NPC there.

"On his way."

Emerging from the beam, Zero shoved X onto the platform.

"Armour capsule. Acid rain bath. Through spikes. Have fun!"

"Wha-?"

And he was gone. Zero flicked on his comm. device.

"Alia, I took down Hi Max. I sent the body to Douglas for analysis. Ask Hannah what the next stage is."

"_Good work, Zero, and she says Metal Shark Player."_

"What, he's a pimp? Get the coordinates, NPC."

"Will do."

888

It was Zero's first encounter with a compressor stage.

"I'm too pretty to be squashed!"

"_But you sent X through acid rain to get his armour!"_

"Send him back!"

"_Bah. You brought this on yourself."_

Groaning, Zero hopped in the mobile armour suit that only lasted until the end of the corridor.

"Why don't they give this thing flight capability?"

Abandoning the short-lived aid, he climbed down the ladder to face an even longer corridor.

"Oh, great. So I have to rescue those reploids from Nightmare tentacle rate at the peril of being flattened?"

"_You signed up for this job. Nobody forced you to."_

"Sigma KO'd me and had me brought to Doctor Cain!"

"_Kwitcherbitchin' and save them!"_

"Fine, you old nag."

"_WHAT did you jus…"_

_Click._ Zero loved the Off button.

It was quickly established that this, being a factory, had oil waste on the floor.

"My hair! But I'll be crushed if I don't duck! _Damn _it! I hate making choices! This is supposed to be a simple side scroller!"

Condemning his hair to brush along the ground, Zero ducked. Just beyond the next obstacle was a Nightmare slowly drifting towards a helpless reploid.

"Oi geez. You can't even move?" Zero called.

"But I'll be crushed!" she whined.

"You prefer tentacle rape?"

"This isn't an animated Japanese porn flick!"

"But this _is _Japan."

Motivated by fear of the stereotype, she clawed along the conveyor belt, dragging her injured leg behind her. The Nightmare was not designed to move faster than the speed of smell, so she was safe long enough for Zero to wait out the compressor, then come over to slash the thing apart.

"There you go. I really should organize self-help classes."

"You spurred me on with the fear of rape!"

"And you didn't get crushed. What's your point?"

"Chauvinistic bastard!"

"You know you love me."

She teleported out with a grimace. Zero laughed and continued. These newbies/noobs/nooblets did not understand the simple concept of 'getting out of the way so as to avoid zombification by very slow Nightmare'. And they wondered why they were the laughingstock of the more experienced Hunters. At least they found upgrade parts, and refilled some of his energy, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered. After all, reploids were little less mass-produced than humans, and he felt no kindred for anyone but X.

Towards the end of the stage was another blue portal.

"Didn't I kill Hi Max already?"

Shrugging, he explored. Purple garage doors and then…

"Dynamo!"

The black and white rogue smirked, tossing his snow white hair with a flick of the wrist.

"Miss me?"

"Like a virus. What are you..."

"Collecting Nightmare Souls."

"For what purpose?"

"What do all men fight for? Power!"

With that sweeping generalization, he attempted to throw purple spinning things at the Red Ripper who disdained them with cuts from his saber.

"Dynamo, you copy X's affinity for projectiles and my affinity for blades. Would you conjure up some originality before trying to take me on?"

"You wound me! How about this?"

Dynamo punched the floor, and a curtain of electric beams seared the area. Zero danced out of the way.

"Heck, you punch the floor like me, too. I've been doing that since the second war!"

"Bah!"

Zero cycled through his weapons until he found one that made Dynamo grunt with surprise and flinch.

"Aha! So you're weak to the Ensuizan!"

"The what?"

"The spin attack from Rainy Turtloid!"

"Ahh! Get it away!"

Dynamo jumped out of the way. He left behind a floating, green, pulsating sphere.

"Oooh. What's this?"

"Don't touch my Nightmare Soul!"

Disregarding the weaker robot, Zero laid hands on it.

_Purple fire._

Dynamo took steps backward until he hit the wall.

"You… you're not supposed to glow!"

Zero, and yet not Zero, turned his head. His emerald eyes… and disturbing grin… radiated a feral gleam.

"Eeesh. I _told _you not to touch it…"

888

"I'm getting a report from Douglas!" Alia announced, "He says he analyzed Hi Max's data, and found the location of Gate's Lab!"

"No!" X yelled, "I only have two pieces of the Shadow! I want the rest before I go there!"

"Why? You can end this right now!" Signas protested.

"Do you know what the trend is for final areas? SPIKES! And Dad said the Shadow can walk and jump on them! I'm not going there without my spike insurance!"

"You just want to look cool," Hannah summarized.

"That too!"

"Immature," Alia murmured, "Hey, why hasn't Zero come back yet?"

"That stage lasted more than ten minutes," Hannah related, "Longest exercise of holding the Down button to avoid being flat. I _hate _that place."

"Oh. We'll wait a bit longer."

"What about his signal? Can't you track him?" Signas offered. Alia did so, and reared back.

"He's gone."

"Gone?" X echoed.

"Off the map. Unless he's left the solar system, his signal's jammed."

"Oh boy. Last time that happened, he was…"

"Infected," X finished Hannah's observation, "You said he was in the factory area?"

A beep sounded on Alia's headgear.

"_HQ Command! Come in!"_

"Go ahead, transporter NPC."

"_Dynamo's just transported here, and he's going crazy!"_

"More than usual?" X wondered, but Alia ordered, "Call Lifesaver!"

"_Will do!"_

As one, the four of them left the command centre.

888

"D'ahh!"

"Secure him!"

In sick bay, Lifesaver's burly assistants held down the frantic bishounen long enough for Lifesaver to activate the restraining field. Reploids, with their tremendous strength, cannot be held by tangible restraints without damaging themselves. Lifesaver walked around the table while Dynamo, held immobile, could only follow with his gaping eyes.

"Y-y-y-y-y-you have to get r-r-r-r-r-rid of the v-v-v-v-v-v-virus!"

"Max Headroom infected you?" Hannah quipped. Lifesaver confirmed the data by medical computer.

"Nightmare Zero Virus. Insertion by beam saber," he indicated the mark across Dynamo's chest plate, "Inoculation required."

"N-n-n-n-n-no sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-it!"

"Beam saber?" X worried.

"Lots of Mavericks have beam-type blades, Lifesaver was making a generalization," Signas stated. X leaned over Dynamo.

"Who did this?"

"Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Zero!"

"Generalization, eh? I'm going!"

"You don't have any armour!" Alia warned.

"And whose fault is that? I'll contact you when I see him!"

Lifesaver charged the restraining field with antivirus. Dynamo's scream followed X to the transporter room.

888

_The compressors were stopped. _The factory was dead dark.

"No whirring generators, no music, not even cries for help."

"_Creepy," _Alia acknowledged, _"You have the Virus Buster installed?"_

"Since the last war. You can't get Zero's signal?"

"_No, but there're two energy readings in Metal Shark's room."_

"On my way."

X hated dark places. Although his ocular units adjusted, the oppressive silence and loneliness caused his artificial emotions to expect dire things. Bypassing the blue portal, X climbed down a ladder.

"_X, that leads nowhere."_

"No such thing as a dead end… hello? What's this huge pit doing here?"

"_X! Nightmares!"_

"I see them," he said, and did something about it, "Zero missed these. That means something's here."

"_What kind of logic is that?"_

"Alia, why else would there be a pit in the middle of a factory?"

"_A plothole?"_

"No! To protect something. I'm going over."

"_What about Zero?"_

"I'm sure that Shark Player's entertaining him. He can wait two minutes."

For some reason, there were crates stacked on the edge of the pit. Using Ground Dash, X knocked the things into a stairway formation. Standing on top, further over the edge of doom, he said famous last words.

"Here goes nothing!"

"_It's too far!"_

"BANZAI!"

Using all the boost his dash could muster, X took flight over the pit.

"Yaaah!"

His hand caught the edge of the other side!

"Phew."

"_Idiot! You could have been killed!"_

"Stop telling me how to do my job!"

Hauling himself up, an armour capsule greeted him.

"Please, _please _be a piece of the Shadow!"

Dr. Light flickered into existence.

"_The legs, actually."_

X pumped his arms.

"YES!"

"_Just one question… how are you going to get back the way you came?"_

"Um, duh?"

After retrieving that armour part, X braced his back against the armour capsule and dug his heels into the ground.

"Nnngh!"

"_Don't strain yourself, X!"_

"Dad, why are you so heavy?"

"_Huh! I will not stand here and be insulted."_

Dr. Light vanished, and along with it, the weight. X nudged the capsule into position and hopped on top.

"Here goes nothing, again! Waaah!"

His boots connected with the side of the most jutting crate and he kicked to safety.

"Phew! One more piece to go!"

"_This is Alia, I have a status update. There's only one energy reading now."_

Elation evaporated.

"Thanks for making me twice as scared."

Resuming the corridor, he continued along his solitary path. The reploids Zero was supposed to rescue lay in pieces… beside their Nightmare captors.

"Well, at least the stage is easy."

Alia didn't grace his futile grasp at optimism with a reply. Through the garage doors filtered a bright light…

"**X. Always rushing into things unprepared."**

"Zero."

The Red Ripper sat upon a throne of junk, its former king in ribbons on the floor. Purple flames licked around the room, like chained ghosts straining for release.

"**That warning signal is finally gone. I hear nothing but blissful silence when I kill."**

"This is not who you are!"

"**This is who I want to be. Someone without a voice in his head. Someone who knows power without doubt."**

"Such a person would be a fool! Anyone who wields power without heeding the consequences will never prosper!"

"**Falling back on your Boy Scout philosophy, I see."**

The King rose from his throne.

"**I'm not for words."**

"I understand. I'll blast that thing out of you!"

"**That's what I find funny about you, X. The moment things don't go your ideal pacifist way you come out shooting!"**

"Evil triumphs when good people don't act!" he quoted.

"**Whether or not there are good people, evil triumphs."**

Zero opened with his usual arm cannon barrage. X flew backward, kicked off the wall and, true to Zero's comment, came out shooting. Zero erred on the side of caution and dashed away rather than deflecting, allowing X to come at him with his beam saber.

"**Oh, please."**

They clashed once before Zero spun and kicked X away.

"**You're awful at melee combat."**

X fired. Zero grinned and vanished.

"Huh?"

_KZASH! _

"_AHH!"_

Blistering pain in his back!

"How?" X demanded, jumping out of the way. Zero held his red Z-Saber assassin style, blade running along his arm rather than facing away from it.

"Extreme speed. Colonel had it. I can copy it."

"Only possible with a blade," X recalled, "Because an arm cannon's recoil would slow down movement."

"**You know much. But can you do anything?"**

Zero vanished again. Knowing what was going to happen, X listened for the hum of the Z-Saber. When it came – and his reflexes were fast enough – he ducked under the slash, spinning with the momentum of the dodge, reached for his own beam saber and blazed a scar across Zero's chest. It was more than a wound, however, as Zero and his aura convulsed.

"**Argh! You put antivirus in your saber, too?"**

"You taught me that in the third war! I'm only copying the Zero I know!"

"**Damn you!"**

Zero teleported out. X tapped into his communicator.

"Get me out of here."

Before Alia complied, X touched the remains of Metal Shark Player to gain that Investigator's special ability.


	8. Ninja!

She met him on his way to sick bay.

"What happened?"

"He got away, Hannah."

"You have to follow him!"

"Not yet. He's using extreme speed."

"What's that?"

He explained.

"So you're going for the Shadow Armour?"

"Yes. An enhanced saber will give me the edge, pun intended."

"You have three pieces. The last is in the volcano."

"I didn't see it; only a high ledge. That means I'll have to complete that dumb Blade Armour _just _so I can use its Mach Dash! I told Dad that getting all four parts to use it was a bad idea! It takes all the fun out of _finding _them!"

"Hold on. You visited Metal Shark's stage, so the Nightmare effect has transferred to Blaze Phoenix's area. Use the big flying metal blocks as a lift. After that, go for the shellfish and then the flea."

X hugged Hannah.

"I think I love you."

Lifesaver and his cronies snickered. She reddened.

"You can't possibly make this any more awkward, can you?"

"Nope!"

"My heart belongs to Zero!"

"Don't care."

"You can let go of me now."

"Don't wanna!"

"Just don't start…"

X purred.

"…that. Someone get him off me!"

888

Sheldon poked around his command centre. There were many screens filled with static today.

"Perimeter sensors have been knocked out. What's going on out there?"

"_Sir! There's a… aaggghhh!"_

"What? Report!"

White noise. Faced with an extenuating circumstance (i.e. possible intruder) he began to be absent minded, talking to himself.

"Don't be ridiculous. How could anything knock out sensors they can't even see?"

Sheldon paced the room. More screens were snowed in by the unknown factor running around his institute.

"I have spikes and laser beam puzzles everywhere! How is that… _thing _just rushing from room to room like they're not there?"

"_Sir it's a BLARGHHH!"_

Gurgling noises. Sheldon threw up his short arms in despair.

"Someone set us up the-!"

"_NINJA!"_

"HUH?"

But it was too late. A wide beam saber slash lopped off his torso, dicing him to bits as he fell. The last thing that passed through his positronic brain was nameless, gaping terror.

888

Hunter HQ was busy as usual, meaning that Alia was doing all the work while Signas lounged in his command chair and Hannah entertained herself with their holographic projector. Signas turned to the comm. operative.

"Alia, I want your opinion on…"

"_NINJA!"_

A black silhouette dropped into their midst!

"OH MY GOD, THEY CAME BACK!" Hannah screeched, wildly swinging her saber.  
"Z'OH MY GOD!" X yelped, clinging to the ceiling. Signas and Alia were out of their chairs and glaring at him.

"X! Is that you?"

"No, I'm Ryu Hayabusa. Of course it's me! I got my Shadow Armour!"

"Recent bad exposure to ninjas," Signas apologized, subduing Hannah's beam saber frenzy by snatching the thing from her paws. She gave up and collapsed in a chair.

"You weren't supposed to get the Shadow Armour before the Blade Armour!"

"This isn't a video game! On an unrelated note, I can throw shuriken!"

To prove his point, the ebony-clad Hunter shot three of them into their midst, nearly removing limbs.

"Gah! Look, just get out of here! Don't you have to deal with Gate and/or Zero?" Alia yelled.

"Yeah, but I just got the third piece of the Blade Armour from Shield Sheldon's place! I want the last part!" X whined, dropping from the ceiling onto his feet. Signas gave a thumbs-up now that he had a good view of the Shadow Armour.

"I agree, that _does _make you look cooler. It even has a mouth guard to make your face look less goofy."

"What? To heck with you, I'm going!"

"Isn't he supposed to be cooler?" Hannah asked. Alia snorted a laugh.

"Bling bling aids and abets brain rot."

888

"_By the way, X, there's a giant robot on the rampage named Illumina."_

"The ultimate weapon from Final Fantasy 6 is here?"

"_No! A huge, shiny monster that shoot beams from its eyes!"_

And so did X cross the stage belonging to Infinity Mijinon, also known as Flea. The barriers Illumina brought up quickly fell to the Crescent Blade Slash.

"I can't use any Investigator weapons with this armour, but it sure makes up for it!"

"_Yeah, yeah, just rescue those reploids!"_

For some inexplicable reason, said reploids were floating in midair.

"Alia, how do they do that?"

"_How did Cloud's hair and clothing survive that massive explosion at the end of Advent Children? Were they also infused with JENOVA's cells and irradiated with Mako?"_

"What? That's not relevant!"

"_It still bothers me!"_

"Ugh. Forget I asked."

Breaking the fourth wall aside, X knocked down another barrier and Illumina exploded in the background.

"Okay, first question. Why do robots four hundred feet tall place their power source in easy-to-hit places?"

"_In the fourth war, only General's head was vulnerable."_

"So Illumina's dumb?"

"_She _was _driven crazy by something. Anyway, hop through that portal."_

"H'buh? _She?"_

"_Illumina is… was, female."_

X smacked his forehead.

"I could have had a tea party with her instead."

"…"

"Another question. How the hell do these portals even exist, just floating around?"

"_The Nightmare Effect. It distorts the energy balance of an area, creating fluxes in space-time that enable someone to leap between areas also affected by the Nightmare."_

"So the Nightmares form gateways between the areas they invade?"

"_It's a theory, and explains why the things come back after we blow them up. The distorted energy also makes weird things happen, like metal blocks appearing out of nowhere, magma raining from the heavens, and total darkness broken by random spotlights. Anymore questions?"_

"Who wrote the Book of Love? Where do sea urchins come from? Why do I sound like an eight year old girl?"

"_Now you're being silly."_

"I'm serious!"

"_Just go!"_

888

"_Hullo, X. You're looking spiffy today."_

"Dad! For the first time ever, you're actually easy to get to! Just walk left!"

"_I thought you would miss me. You are conditioned to go right in every area."_

"Is that the last piece of the Blade Armour?"

"_Yes. Did you find Zero?"_

"He's still missing. We have no idea what caused him to go Maverick again! After Dynamo recovered, he said Zero just touched a Nightmare Soul, but Zero had collected them every level before…"

"_Before what?"_

"Before he went to save Hannah! And those Zero Nightmares chased him!"

"_What can this mean?"_

X frowned.

"I don't think that energy surge before Zero teleported was his virus buffer…"

Dr. Light rubbed his nonexistent chin.

"_Odd. Then why didn't he go Maverick immediately?"_

"A disease can stay dormant in the host until some catalyst triggers it. Maybe the Nightmare Soul, an offshoot of the Zero Virus, reacted with the Maverick Virus he was unknowingly infected with. The sheer number of viruses must have overwhelmed his buffer and taken root. It's odd, though. Usually it takes control right away. This time it _waited _for him to find another Nightmare Soul."

"_It's a working theory. You'll have to confront him later."_

X cracked a wry smile.

"We're rivals forever."

He took the final armour part, rescued some more reploids, and confronted Infinity Mijinon.

"Kyahahaha! I can make infinite clones of myself! Rain destruction on your head! And form huge gobs of gelatin to fill the screen!"

"And I'm a freaking NINJA!"

The latter outdid the former. The Crescent Blade Slash hit a large area in front X, destroying whatever clones and gelatin the Flea could muster. As for destruction raining from the heavens, the speed boost the armour afforded enabled him to dodge and hack the Investigator into submission.

"How can so much power exist in such an ancient machine?" Mijinon complained, echoing the old Maverick, Byte, "We are the new generation! We are born to reign, not be subjugated by the past!"

"If you do not learn from the past," X replied evenly, seeing in his mind's eye the lifelong uprisings he himself had quelled, "The past will return to you."

888

X was subdued upon returning to HQ. He was in his normal armour.

"We thought you'd be a bit happier, what with the Blade and Shadow at your disposal," Signas greeted him.

"Reploids do not learn from the past," X determined, "The first reploid ever created, by myself and Dr. Cain, got up from the table and asked the doctor, 'Shall I aid you in disassembling this older model?' I was nothing but history. We designed them with a computer's technological brain, and technology has no room for the past. The past is something always to be improved upon, to be discarded so that the new will take its place, for the greater good in terms of efficiency and cost."

Alia, Signas and Hannah had nothing to say. So he continued.

"But humans do not look at the greater good in terms of efficiency and cost. Dr. Light designed me to think like _them. _When I look at reploids, the race I created with Dr. Cain, I don't feel inadequate, or left behind, like the older models do today. I feel pity for them, because they don't understand that the past is of paramount importance to humans, the race they are modeled after."

"Why is the past so important to humans?" Alia asked, and it was not a rhetorical question. She really didn't know.

"It gives us meaning, and purpose," said Hannah, speaking for her race, "Without a past, well, we wouldn't _be _anything, would we? We have reminders of our past, like parents, and buildings, and books. Unless we had something to work with, we would be awful bored."

"Each generation of reploids does improve upon what the last built," Signas placed her words in context, "But like humans, we go to war because we have… differences."

"Humans have had two world wars in the past century, and many smaller ones going on even now. But reploids have had _six world wars within ten years," _said X.

"We don't learn," Alia admitted.

"No, you don't," X said with sadness, "But that's why I'm here. I'm the wild card Dr. Light unleashed into this world. Maybe he meant for reploids to be built, maybe he didn't, but we can't change the situation now. We can only make the best of it."

"That's what being human's all about," Hannah smiled. Dynamo chose that moment to trudge into HQ with disgust.

"Well, well, aren't _we _philosophical today! In case you've forgotten, there are not one, but _two _madmen loose, which want to destroy life as we know it!"

"I say we let them," X mused, "Maybe after the world's changed, they'll begin to realize their mistakes."

"No, let them realize _now, _with a few of those famous X-Buster blasts," Dynamo growled, "I know I've had my share. I'm leaving!"

He beamed out. Signas shrugged.

"A thank-you-for-saving-my-life would have sufficed."


	9. I stand alone

_Alone._

At the edge of the hole, he was as he always had been: without another.

"_This is the place Zero, or an energy output resembling his, was detected. The Nightmare activity is, well, nightmarish, so there's no hope of a signal getting through once you go down there."_

"I'll be fine."

He had the Shadow Armour. Nothing in the world could stop him. For the past five wars, nothing had.

So he fell. His body was designed to withstand tremendous strain, and a little thing like falling several hundred feet wouldn't damage him.

Spikes. Why wasn't he surprised? The walls, floors, ceilings were spiked. Even the wallpaper had a spike pattern. He climbed without preamble. Some wolfish reploids were spewing their minty fresh breath, but he ignored them. He wasn't here to mince small fry. He was after The Big One. He guessed that, had he equipped any other armour, the stage would have been difficult, what with the spike motif, the moving walls and the encroaching doom of a self-scrolling stage. The enemies there were mediocre at best. But the Shadow Armour was _all _about mobility. After revisiting every stage with the utilitarian Blade Armour and rescuing captive reploids (not to mention finding Dynamo and bribing him with Nightmare souls to show where the rest of the reploids were), X had equipped the Hyper Dash, Speedster _and _Quick Charge. He was a speed junkie, and he loved it. He was a blur, a ghost, a shadow that no trap could close around.

So much for the first Gate stage. Hannah told him to expect a biological Mechalinoid at the end, assuring him his Crescent Blade Slash had enough reach. He walked, fully charged, into the garage, but it was quiet. No blaring WARNING sign. No Mechalinoid pulse.

"**You've come prepared this time."**

"And with the antivirus rearing to go. You have to fix your virus buffer, and stop your diet of Nightmare Souls!"

He descended… a dark angel to the earth. The twin Mechalinoid eyes X _should _have fought were revolving around him, bathed in the same purple glow he was. They were liberated of their biological shells.

"**So, little ninja, can you take on three at once?"**

"If I must. You know I never face fair odds."

"**True. But I don't go for unfair. I go for overkill."**

One of the Mechalinoid eyes covered the floor with flames. X clung to a wall, firing shuriken at it. The second eye emitted an energy beam, whereupon X rocketed off the wall, gaining considerable airtime from the Hyper Dash, bringing down his saber on the eye, striking it with such force that he vaulted forward _again, _clinging to the opposite wall and firing more shuriken. Zero brought the two eyes to bear and they launched a flamethrower. The flames vanished from the floor, so he dropped, dashing under them while letting them have it with his shuriken.

"**Slippery snake."**

Zero threw one of the eyes at him, and this time the attack connected, knocking X to the floor. The other eye tried its energy beam, but he rolled out of the way to stick a shuriken in its pupil.

"You can't hide behind them!"

"**But I _am _wearing you down."**

"Haven't caught my second wind yet," X boasted, somersaulting clear over the eyes, slashing them with his powerful golden Crescent Blade. They fizzled out and crashed on the floor, dead husks.

"Now, are you going to be serious?"

"**I never hesitate."**

_Gone._

"That won't work this time!"

X disappeared, just as fast. Sparks exploded suddenly in midair, gold grinding against red.

"**How did you get so strong?"**

"I'm not telling _you!"_

They bounded around the room, gauging one other. Neither could afford a hit, as X could not withstand the damage and Zero could not withstand the antivirus in that saber, the same antivirus program _he _had used years ago.

"**How ironic. Only Zero can defeat Zero."**

"I'll use your _true _strength against you, you faker!"

Blades connected but never cut, their bodies moved at speeds that boiled the dust underfoot. The walls were no different from the floors; they went up and up, ever higher in Gate's laboratory, the ground forgotten far below, while their sparks glittered in darkness.

"**You will make a mistake."**

"Not while I'm saving someone!"

Zero laughed, countering with blade as well as words.

"**Save yourself."**

Arm cannon blasts were dodged. Shuriken were deflected.

"**Give up!"**

A _second _beam saber appeared, and X felt its bite. He fell.

And fell…

And fell.

As Max Payne once said, that was the genius of the hole. No matter how hard you worked to the top, you could fall all the way back down in an instant. And that second beam saber, that unknown factor, was that instant.

Zero followed him, diving as an eagle to a raven, blonde locks rippling, twin sabers streaming their neon glow in his wake. At a disadvantage, X tried to blast him on his way down, but Zero was the more aerodynamic of the two, and shifted his position in midair as fast as X fired. Mere feet above ground, Zero began a crosswise slash, but X saw it and grabbed Zero's wrists. They smashed earthward, X taking the brunt, shocked from his fall long enough for Zero to wrench free and slice deeply, forming a bright red X against the black armour.

"_Guaaahh!"_

Zero flipped backward, landing in a habitual crouch. The triumphant gleam in his eyes offset the burn of his thirsty sabers.

"**Now I will be the only one!"**

Never slowing down, Zero performed one final extreme speed assault, because he knew X would dodge anything less than maximum power. X did, indeed, push off the ground with one hand, beam saber brought from behind in one blurring motion to hit the empty air in front him where Zero had been a millisecond ago.

But Zero was behind him now.

"_**YOU LOSE!"**_

_KZASH!_

"_**AUGHH!"**_

Where had that come from! X had slashed _forward, _not backward!

"You forget, Zero… I have a Giga Attack to compensate."

X turned, circulatory fluid dribbling from the corners of his mouth and the cross on his chest.

"It takes the energy… accumulated from severe damage… to create a Crescent Blade Slash wherever the beam saber moves… and I brought mine full circle… you should have… attacked from the air…"

More than pain was the disbelief etched across Zero's face and shoulder in the form of a bright shining scar. The antivirus was ravaging him.

"**Damn… you!"**

Technology had failed yet again. Technology had not calculated that desperation move. Technology had not taken measures to counteract it. With scars neither of their auto-repair functions could restore, the technology both warriors possessed entered suspended animation.

888

Something reactivated X. A restraining field held him fast. He looked around at the high-domed laboratory, bristling with scientific analysis equipment and reploid test pods. Zero was awake, still wearing the scar, but under the strain of a massive force field that dominated the centre of the room, crackling with purple bolts of energy. The ground under Zero was dented and cracked from the enormous pressure he was exerting against it, but the field kept him down amidst his flurry of curses and grunts. Gate, the usual smug grin on his face, clapped his hands as he walked towards X.

"Good. I want you to witness my rebirth."

X ran a quick self-diagnostic that revealed critical damage was repaired, but he was not whole. The cross still marked his chest, a cross he would have to carry for the moment.

"Are you that afraid of us, Gate? Why didn't you fix us fully?"

"Do you take me for a fool?"

"Yes!"

"Wrong! I can't have you at full power, because I _know_ you two! I studied you both all my life! You'll find some way to break out of those force fields before long, even if you're halfway dead! But I only need a few seconds!"

"Boy, you sure know how to monologue like a real villain."

"Why, thank you. Eloquence is what I pride myself on… other than being the world's most brilliant scientist!"

"Yep, this would be the boasting stage of the monologue."

"Silence! You are weak! Helpless! Soon I will be invincible!"

"The taunting stage. Could you please skip the…"

"_Muahahahaha!"_

"…Evil laughter. Damn it, Gate, if you're going to kill us, spare us your mouth!"

"As you wish!"

Procuring the sample of Zero's DNA from his lab coat… X interrupted!

"You're going to kill us with the Atari cartridge for _Tron_?"

Gate stamped his feet.

"Bloody _hell! _I surround myself with imbeciles!"

He ran to a console to flip a switch.

"_Full power!"_

With a mighty thunder crack Zero was embedded in the floor, the force field a purple fist grinding him downward. Gate danced over to him, plugging the sample of Zero's DNA directly into the scar on Zero's face.

"He has to be awake, and active, for the DNA to transfer!"

"**THAT'S MINE!" **he roared.

"_Not anymore!"_

When Gate removed the shard, it shone with unnatural purple energy. It reflected in Gate's manic eyes.

"His DNA… along with the Virus - that ancient Dark Energy that Wily pulled from the heavens - is _mine!"_

"You're mad!" X shouted.

"Angry! I'm an _angry_ scientist! _Morals _and _laws, _pathetic things of human creation, have repressed my superior genius for far too long!"

Gate lifted his helmet. What had been a full head of wavy lavender hair, which Alia had so often run her fingers through in times past, was now half-shaven, revealing a self-inflicted port directly into his central brain. The sight of it saddened X, as it reminded him of Sigma's self-inflicted 'improvements'. Reploids visited horrors upon themselves to gain power.

"I am become death, destroyer of worlds!"

He plugged Zero's DNA – the good _and _the bad – into his own. The results were mind-bending, to say the least, as Gate went through convulsions and contortions of agony that redefined what a body could withstand.

"I think I died… I think I'm _dead!"_

His form changed. Gold shone through his lab coat, which morphed into a flowing cape as the atoms of his being were redefined, given different parameters. Bulky armour burst through his small frame, devouring what had been a scientist.

"Ohh death is coming… it's _coming!"_

Clad in brilliant gold, Gate hovered above ground.

"Mu-ah ha ha ha!"

"Oi, not that laugh again," X complained. Gate flung his hand upward, and a surge of energy ripped through X, throwing him clear of the restraining field.

"You… can manipulate energy… like the Nightmare!" he gasped, staggering to his feet. He was still weak and now more damaged than ever. His force of will warded off the sleep that sought to shut down his systems until proper repairs were made.

"Look at you, you can barely stand, while I defy gravity!"

X smirked.

"I should thank you. That last attack was enough to recharge!"

"Recharge what, your Giga Attack? I saw it on camera, you hapless fool! It has limited range! You can't reach me up here!"

"I wasn't referring to myself."

Gate whirled to Zero. There was a Zero-shaped hole in the floor, under the force field.

"I guess your little trap backfired."

"Where is he!"

_KZASH!_

"CAGE _ME, _WILL YOU?"

_KZASH!_

Gate suffered two doses of extreme speed before realizing what was happening. That was the difference between a scientist and a warrior.

"YES! The antivirus finally immunized you!"

But the way Zero was acting all pissed and slashing with twin sabers, the only thing that denoted his return to 'normality' was the lack of evil purple aura. Gate smacked against a wall from the fury of Zero's dual saber mastery.

"Blasted… insect!" Gate rumbled. He caused an explosion that harmed him and blew away his attacker. Zero skidded to a crumpled heap beside X.

"Hey there…" he slurred.

"Zero! You're back!"

"_Libera Te Ex Inferis._ I saved myself. I resisted that damn virus. You helped too, I guess."

"Phfft. You're welcome."

"What do we do about Rocket Man over there?"

X shrugged and suggested, "Gang up?"

Zero sighed acquiescence.

"Sounds like a plan. I'm in way too much pain for smarmy retorts."

"What's with the dialogue? Fight me!" Gate taunted. X scratched his head.

"Uh… how exactly do we go about this?"

"Go 'round back. I'll ground him. Figure out the rest."

While X dashed under Gate, missing a red energy sphere to the head, Zero came up in the scientist's face

"Stop hitting yourself!"

Zero tore through the energy sphere Gate released, breaking it into three smaller ones that zapped the scientist, jarring him out of the air. On cue, X spun to release the Crescent Blade Slash, tearing Gate a new one.

"Yaaagh!"

Gate fell to his knees, his back lacerated.

Down, but not out.

"How did he survive that?" X wondered, coming around front to view the wayward scientist. Zero rested his twin sabers under Gate's chin.

"You're coming with us."

Gate shook his head side to side.

"Failed, failed! I failed him…"

"Who are you…?"

_BZZZAT! _**KATHOOM!**

"BWAAARGHHHH!"

X and Zero were thrown clear by a fusion blast aimed at Gate' back. Gold shattered. The cape disintegrated. Gate fell flat on his face in slow motion.

Down… and out.

Most of the laboratory had also been destroyed. Small fires circled the crater where a very dead Gate laid, his back and most of his head missing. X staggered to his feet. This was _not _his day.

"Where did that attack come from?"

"I did not expect his death-scream to be that bad," Zero commented. X's aural units popped.


	10. Appropriate

They learnt that Alia confined herself to quarters the same time they returned to HQ… with Gate's body. Lifesaver ordered X, Zero and the body moved to sick bay. They didn't need further prompting. Signas and Hannah paid a visit to the comm. operative.

"Why are you here? Don't you want to see him one last time?" Hannah asked. Alia was just sitting by her personal computer, staring at a slideshow of Gate and she as scientists. She used to have her hair let down, he used to smile always, without malice.

"He was quite charming. Shook my hand once," Signas reflected, "Not much of a grip."

"The body… Gate's, in sick bay…" Hannah offered. Alia shook her head slowly.

"Reploids never forget. Not one sound, not one sight. We record everything in pristine detail. I remember him like that," she gestured to the slideshow, "Full of ambition and hope for our race. Now I know what his true intentions were, but I still have those happy memories. To see him broken… to see a little more hope for our race die… it would be too much. It would destroy my memories of him forever… and I _will _live forever."

Alia sank back into her chair and sighed.

"I wish I knew how to cry. It would be… appropriate."

888

Lifesaver enjoyed his job because he could shut off his patients. He did not envy human surgeons that had to deal with myriad problems during even the simplest procedures. In reploids, circulatory systems, thought processes, even their fusion core could be turned off. They were more like computers that way, able to reboot from total 'death' if someone gave them a jolt. With X and Zero silent in their regenerative pods (he had to build the things specifically to deal with their unique systems) he performed an autopsy on Gate.

Irreparable core and memory damage by beam saber, percussion and extreme heat. DNA damaged and altered by insertion of foreign DNA, namely Zero's. Due to this DNA damage, a copy of Gate could never be made. Of course, reploids do not have Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid.Reploid DNA – a human term used for a reploid's unique programming imprint – does _not _mix, in the same manner two different program codes do not mix unless manual reprogramming is done. Only organic life can combine DNA through reproduction. Reploids had no such luxury. Should their DNA combine, like in Gate, it would be temporary, with severe side effects because the two differing codes would reject each other. The reason Sigma was able to combine with so many different machines was his viral nature distorting a program's code to do his bidding. Gate had attempted DNA _integration_, and its effects would have been short lived.

"Unless Gate found the time to manually reprogram his DNA _and _Zero's so that both would work in harmony, his 'super' body would have lasted for a very short time," Lifesaver had the autopsy computer record his observations, "Moreover, Zero's DNA is extremely complex, like X's. No _replicate _DNA, that is, a reploid's DNA, could hope to combine with his unique structure, unless Zero's original programmer chose to do so."

Hannah and Signas wondered into the room. The girl gave a wistful sigh.

"He died. But he is still very sexy!"

Lifesaver shut off the recorder.

"Thank you, Hannah. Your words will constitute the closing statement to Gate's autopsy report."

She beamed. After that information dump, X and Zero were recovered.

"Diagnostic turn out okay?" Lifesaver interrogated them. X rubbed the side of his head.

"My ears are still giving problems after that death-yell. Hold on."

He popped two cat-ears over his aural units.

"All better!"

Everyone stared at him. Alia's voice came over the PA system.

"_Major viral activity detected within Gate's lab."_

"Didn't that explosion finish it?" Zero grumbled.

"Is it the Nightmare?"

"_I said 'viral activity', you nit. Get your butts over there now and deal with it."_

"Two billion yen says it's Sigma," X predicted with complete resignation. Zero threw his hands up in despair and followed his comrade to the transport room.

"I wonder why they stick so close together, when they have irreconcilable differences," Signas mused.

"Wars come and go, but my soldiers are eternal," Hannah quoted.

"Who said that, Eisenhower?"

"Tupac."

888

What had been Gate's lab was now an area of smooth metal platforms, pits, spikes and psychedelic colours swirling in the background. The Nightmare Effect had altered this place to suit whoever was running the show.

"I thought she said it was a virus. There are Nightmares everywhere!"

"Any excuse to call me a nit," X muttered in reply.

"Tell me why you're wearing your Blade Armour again?" asked Zero while they KO'd the inconsequential Mavericks littering the place.

"This is the stage where we fight all eight bosses again, right? I think I'll have an easier time using _their_ weapons against them. Using extreme speed and getting in close quarters is too _hard._"

"Yeah, that's _my _fighting style. Too bad we don't have our Ultimate Armours this time."

They approached a sunken area that boasted eight luminous transport pods. Their benefactor had left life-energy capsules in the middle, where the final pod would materialize after the other eight were deactivated.

"Swell. I'll take the four on the left," X announced, gathering the life-energy for later.

"Aren't we going to use some silly method of taking them all out at once?"

"Suggestions?"

"Lend me your weapon data."

X touched the gem on Zero's forehead, uploading the remaining Investigator abilities.

"Let Storm Eagle fly again."

X charged the Metal Anchor, raining the metal statues in a diving formation from the sky. Zero's fist pummeled the ground, causing a curtain of rays to fall from that inexplicable place off-screen. The rays met the Storm Eagles, melting them into iron meteorites that crashed into the eight boss platforms, welding their circuitry solid. The secret platform appeared that would lead to Sigma.

"You know, we should try combo attacks more often," X noted.

"Wait for the next game. Let's go."

888

The place they were was dark and gloomy. Numbing silence, cobwebs, broken machinery, a patina of dust on everything; all the good cheery stuff one would expect for a final stage.

"Who hired Shade Man as a decorator?"

Zero whacked X across the head and signaled him to be quiet. He motioned towards the end of the room where a shapeless object in rags was shuffling about.

"…Bah. Useless lackey. Too concerned with bling. DNA, hah! A good virus… do the job…"

"Sigma?" X blurted. The hobo turned with his unmistakable baldness and scars.

"Eksh! Zello!"

"Sigma!" Zero snarled, "No shiny new battle body four stories tall? No devastating wit before the final battle?"

Sigma tripped over his rags. X and Zero nodded to each other.

"ZERG RUSH!"

"Kekekekeke lol!"

Their combo attack burned off his hobo uniform, revealing the rot underneath.

"Uwaah! BRAINS!"

He spat radioactive waste at them, throwing up huge energy waves that ricocheted around the room. Zero used his Z-Saber like a baseball bat to knock the energy waves away while X used his trumped-up X-Slash to chip away at Sigma's decaying body.

"…didn't finish me! Jate. Lazy worthless! Foo! Body undone! Selfish!"

X paused.

"He's talking about Gate?"

"Huh _DUH!_" Zero bellowed, too busy hitting home runs for a sensible reply.

"Oh. That would explain…"

While being Captain Obvious once more, he was sideswiped by an energy wave Zero had batted.

"OUCH!"

"Sorry!"

"You did that on purpose!"

"Did not!"

"Look, can we be stupid _after _the epic battle?"

"You started it."

"Did not!"

"EKSH BRAINS!"

"Ahh!"

Their prolonged spat allowed Sigma's lumbering, grubby paws to find their way onto X's helmet.

"Get him off me!"

"Hold still!"

Zero fired off a shot and hit X's shoulder. The blue robot danced about with Sigma flailing.  
"OUCH! You did that on purpose AGAIN!"

"Hold still!"

"I have a _ZOMBIE SIGMA _attached to me that wants to _EAT MY BRAIN! _Forgive me if I'm a little skittish!"

His dancing turned them around, exposing Sigma's back.

"There!"

_BLAM! _

"Uwargh!"

"Get him!"

X hit Sigma a point-blank Plasma Charge, sending him reeling into Zero's outstretched Z-Saber.

"Zelllllooooooo!"

The impaled zombie crumbled.

"What the hell was that about?" Zero fussed, kicking the Sigma debris away. X cracked open one of those life-energy pills he'd saved from earlier.

"You _know _the bastard has two or three modes, at least."

"Hey, give me one of those."

"You're not damaged!"

"I'm traumatized!"

"Suck it up!"

X kicked away Sigma's head and paced.

"Well, what now? We can't call Alia what with all the viral _and _Nightmare activity…"

"X."

"I mean, isn't there supposed to be some neon lights telling us where to go?"

"X!"

"A wall should crumble! We should be teleported to the final arena! Why do we have to do everything ourselves?"

"_X, DUCK!"_

A human would pause, laugh and say, "What duck?" and turn around to see what the hullabaloo was about. X, however, had six wars counting this one under his figurative belt, and when someone told him to duck, he _ducked_. That cautious streak saved his life, as a death ray that can only be described with Kabutroid's word, _behemothic, _thundered overhead with blazing green outrage, removing a good portion of the wall on its way out.

"Sweet jumping Jehoshaphat! What the _F-"_

"EKSH! ZELLO! UWWWAAAARRGGGHHHHH!"

X rolled over and gaped where the other wall had been; replaced by the _huge _upper torso of a Terminator-esque body that was Sigma's latest acquisition.

"I am not John O'Connor!" X protested. Zero launched into a somersault, using his spin to cut again and again into the ajar metal jaw seething from its colossal energy output. Sparks showered X as he found his feet again.

"Bloody _hell!_"

Sigma's Terminator body was oozing radioactive green goo that formed itself into little machines that ran along the walls and floor. X had a chore of blasting the things before they could crawl all over him.

"It looks like his final body from the last war! Except without skin!" Zero commented while his Z-Saber poked the jaw.

"Lies! He stole Schwarzenegger's shtick!" X retorted, blasting the blasted greenies away. As per usual with machines that big, they're destroyed easily once their weak point is exploited. It's the smaller machines, the human-sized ones that can take a real beating and survive. To prove Zero's skill, Sigma did not have time to charge another death ray before his jaw fell off and his fusion core began meltdown.

"Oh, _no! _I am not losing my legs again!" Zero declared, dashing out of the room. X took the hint and followed.

With Gate's laboratory demolished, no legacy remained of the great scientist other than the tacit warning he left to his race. His actions had warned all reploids of the dangers of tampering with DNA and of the madness in achieving an end regardless of the means.


	11. Let the future rest

"Confirmed. Unit "Sigma" has been destroyed. Backup copy awaiting activation."

At the head of the table of fresh suits, Wily's ghost steepled his fingers.

"Is the seventh war in readiness?"

Green sparkled behind those Ray Bans. The clipboard on the table was redundant.

"Ahead of schedule, as usual. DNA for unit "Axl" is in coding."

"And Project Neo Arcadia?"

"Building plans are in formulation. Preparations for future franchise "Megaman Zero" underway. The scientist has been planted in Maverick Hunter HQ."

"What of the anomalies?"

"Anomalies "X" and "Zero" remain 100 percent active."

"Excellent. We could never run this business without them."

His haunting laugh would ever echo behind humanity. It will ultimately be his achievements that destroy the world, and his rival's that saves it.

888

"You came back!"

Hannah squeezed Zero. He squeezed back - gently.

"I'm too sexy for my death."

"Boo, and boo again I say to you," Signas barked, and then laughed, "It's good to see you home."

"Wow, thanks for the warm welcome," X said, feeling left out. Alia hugged him from behind, poking the neko-ears.

"You wore these throughout the whole fight?" she giggled. X flinched away from her.

"Whoa, whoa! Sudden affection denotes insanity! I'm going to play World of Warcraft; see you in my next life!"

He escaped. Alia shrugged.

"So much for a working relationship. Shall we send you home now, Hannah?"

"Only if Zero comes with me!"

A sad smile appeared on that flawless face.

"I, uh, got things to do. Hey, you still got that beam saber…?"

It blazed to life instantly. He smiled.

"Keep that for me, will ya? I might need it… later."

Hannah squeezed him extra hard.

"Byes byes."

Here was the last human he'd be in contact with for quite some time. Did it make him sad?

"Good… bye."

888

The following is a recording from Gate's funeral service some days after Hannah returned to her home. X felt the need to say something after Alia gave the eulogy. He faces his reploid brethren… his children… with a grave look on his face, as if what he has to say are the most important words they would ever hear:

"_We are immortal. We can produce three generations of reploids during a single human generation. We feel pain but are repaired faster than any human can heal. We learn, think and act faster than any human, but we are impatient. Gate was impatient. He sought to hasten our evolution as a race by destroying lives. It is unfortunate that respect for life is not something that can be programmed into us. It is something we develop as we live and grow as a race."_

X leaned forward, his eyes boring into them. They were as transparent as glass.

"_This is why it is important for us to remember our past, and be patient. Like humans, we have differences. But like our human creators, we can learn. This is why we live. This is why we continue. I will stay with you, my people, until you learn to cherish life and be patient with it. I will stay with you until, someday, you evolve to nurture the past and not forget, like Gate wished to forget. The past will not allow us to forget it. Remember this when you are impatient: if it is true for humans, it is true for us."_

No other words were said. And he was still wearing those cat-ears.

888

The scientist was brilliant. He had been one of Gate's colleagues, specializing in virus analysis. He stood with Zero beside a sleep pod, the kind designed to store reploids and test their systems. His skill was so great that he could lift the burden of Zero's cross.

"It will take 106 years to fix it," the scientist determined, showing the figures on his clipboard. The legendary Hunter… who would soon pass into legend… looked them over.

"Acceptable. If it means I can live without fear, then I'll do it."

The scientist gave a quirky grin.

"You won't be _doing _anything, until the next century rolls around."

"Heh. Don't wait up for me…"

888

Hannah received the compact disc in her mail some weeks later. Zero appeared on her monitor. The background was black, giving no hint of his whereabouts.

"_This message is for all Maverick Hunters. I am leaving you for 106 years to undergo a total system purge of the Maverick Virus. It'll also get rid of that annoying Threat Gauge Wily installed to drive me crazy. The location of my pod will be stored in an orbital satellite that will give me a wakeup call should the pod be damaged or destroyed by natural accident or otherwise. We all know how much the Earth has been through…"_

Zero paused.

"_Now for the sentimental stuff. I won't look the same. The pod will need to alter my DNA… and with it, my appearance. I think I'll look like a Navi from the Megaman Battle Network series. Hannah, you've played it, right? Tell me if they mentioned me in it, when I come back. Signas, I know you're slotted for promotion, so quit bothering Alia. Alia, get a life. Become a scientist again. The world needs more of them. And X…"_

One of his rare smiles lit up the screen.

"_For the sake of all life, don't die. I leave this world in your hands. You were created to be this world's protector. Do not fail in your duty… I believe in you. More importantly, I _will _see you again."_

Zero reached out to switch off the recorder. Hannah paused the video, touching his onscreen face.

"I believe in you… I will see you again."

888

Author's closing note:

I never played X7, X8 or Command Mission, so until someone ships me a PS2 with the abovementioned, I'm incapable of parodying them. I believe there is a lack of continuity with those subsequent "X" games. Zero placed himself in suspended animation at the end of X6, thus leading to the events of Megaman Zero. Of course, it could be a case of parallel universes, in which case, Zero doesn't go to sleep for 106 years, and instead decides to hang around for future wars.

I know I wouldn't want to sleep and miss the present. As the Jedi states at the end of KotOR2, let the future rest, it will come in time.


End file.
